Flying with a Two Year Old
Almost exactly one year ago we flew all the way to Western Australia with a one year old. I wrote a smug blog (you can read it here) about that experience, and how easy it was…. It was hard not to be smug as it was such a pleasure. We learned lots of great tips for travelling and gained lots of confidence.
So one year later we tackled a flight approximately 83% shorter. Just four hours on a plane with our two year old would be a breeze.
Here are some things which we learned:
1. Flying with a proper baby is much easier than with a toddler. Toddlers have legs that run, limbs that climb (that’s an odd phrase to look at), teeth that bite, mouths that shout…. and strong opinions on their current situation.
“Hey isn’t this exciting to be in the big plane?”
“No! No! Beppa Beep! Beppa Beep!”…
This is toddler for: “Actually Dad, I’d much rather be watching Peppa Pig right now than sitting in this metal can surrounded by human adults behaving at their very worst.”
So if you’re putting off that flight because you have a baby… do it. Do it now, before they mutate into the toddler phase and have cognisance of their situation.
Planes are horrible for adults, and toddlers have not been conditioned to accept this misery yet
2. Long Haul is like business class when compared to a short holiday flight (we flew with Thomson and Thomas Cook this time).
On a proper plane, you get a cot for the baby, the staff have blankets and pillows and food and patience for your baby. You have room to stand up and walk around with the baby. You have priority boarding and in-flight entertainment. They’ll make you bottles of milk when you need them, nicely warmed up and exactly how you want it.
With Thomson and Thomas Cook Airlines you have a small seat in which to cram all the humans in your family. Nothing else. You will also have to battle with hoards of drunken idiots who think your toddler would like to chat with them throughout the flight.
Why Thomas Cook, is it acceptable for people to get absolutely slaughtered on your planes? Oh yeah… the money part.
“Isernt she a loverly babish? Here Smickers…look at this here babies! Harr old is she? Does daddy not like flying? Doeshn’t he like it? Ach look at you aren’t you the fuckin loverliest?”
Drunk people, swearing around your toddler, as they hang over the seats in front, invading your already very limited private space…. this has a kind of primitive effect on a parent. You can imagine what my thoughts were.
By the way… Try asking for milk on a Thomas Cook plane….
“Ummm? (bemused face) What would you want milk for? We have those little sachets of long life stuff we use for coffee though.”
“Oh really? Yes please. Give me 75 of those and i’ll individually feed them to me daughter. Thanks now.”
In fairness to Thomson, they did get us actual milk.
3. Airlines love to wait until your toddler has FINALLY nodded off to sleep, before winking towards the galley and activating their secret torture technique….. this wink tells the Captain to activate the seat belt sign.
This seat belt sign means you must wake your daughter immediately. Wake them out of their sleep and force them to strap a little blue piece of cloth around themselves.
This process of seatbelting at 30,000 feet, to avoid death on a 100% death probability is hard enough to explain to any adult.
Try this logic on a 2 year old.
The results will be instantaneous and maximum violence.